Whod you bang
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
