If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
