I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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