how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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