Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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