mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize