Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
