time to smoke my breakfast
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
