My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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