Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
