the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
