dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
