I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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