Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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