I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
