just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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