So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
