the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
