Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sext me about skeletons
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
