You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
