That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
