Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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