then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
