why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
