Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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