my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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