i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
