Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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