if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize