The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
