All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
