dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
