She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
