I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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