my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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