She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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