Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
