I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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