Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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