Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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