before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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