So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This house was built for laser tag.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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