halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
