Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize