is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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