Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
