I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
