I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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