God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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