im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
