I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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