Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
