i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
