I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
