my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
