I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
