Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
