fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize