areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
